How do I become more self-possessed and confident?

A question from a client (“Sarah”):

Wendy,

How can I learn to come from a place of confidence & strength rather than unconsciously looking for others to fill my needs and expecting them to make me feel like I belong?  I want to know how to come from a loving place rather than the one that’s empty or worse, already filled up with everyone else’s demands.

Thanks, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

You are doing really well if you are checking in with your softer self and asking “What do you need? or “What do you want?” And then providing that for yourself. Most people have a younger self that got frozen in time from neglect and we bring her out of the deep freeze by tuning into your deeper desires and feelings..You don’t have to DO anything with your deeper (younger self’s) feelings except feel them, get them- really receive them with compassion… and then reframe them from the truth of who you are. You sort of have to stand in shoes that are too big for you to be able to mentor her up to the truth. So for instance if she is feeling needy- really GET her feelings -how she must feel by not feeling included. Then talk to her from the part of you that knows how valuable you are, knows that there is nothing to prove about yourself, who knows that people see your value.

And then choose to speak or act only from that place of self-affirmation, self-possession and self-legitimization.

It isn’t something that you get overnight. You just practice, practice, practice. On an ongoing basis look for evidence of what a good person you are, look for evidence of how people value you, look for evidence of being loved and appreciated. Check yourself if you notice that you are looking for evidence of the opposite (that you’re not included, valued, respected).

Also you can ask yourself what would love do here? What would kindness to myself look like here? Show yourself you care about the softer side of you. At the same time look for how you can contribute, express your creativity and gifts for the fun of it. Not to make points. Because the real essence of you is that part of you that came here to unabashedly express your gifts and make a difference in the world around you.